I recently got a few more comments on the site that made me realize that some of these posts are reaching someone, somewhere out there, every once in awhile. Made me want to post a bit more, especially since I wrote one article and then completely bailed on my goal to keep this thing a bit more alive. Also the featured pic is me from my first show with my new band btw, mentioned below.
I went back and did a reread of the Dream Haze/Jonesing post, and I really enjoyed how it was a bit more free form and talked more about my life and what I’m going through, and then related it back to music. I think this post will just act as a cathartic release (as much of the other posts do) in more of a blog fashion. Maybe someone will read this and relate to how I’m feeling right now. Side note, I wrote this when I was really frustrated with myself and the world, so I later went back and edited down some of my frustration.
I recently got laid off from my job I only had for about a year (more like 9 months) and while I’m not that upset that I’ve got some time off, I am genuinely really sad that I won’t get to see a lot of these people every day. I was laid off once before, two years ago, but that was a different experience because it was genuinely a really good thing for me to go through and it was great for my career to get out of there. But looking back on the past few months, I’ve been so incredibly unmotivated to do any work and it’s been a serious struggle. I was actually super lucky that I had the job I did, and that no one was bothering me to get a ton of things done all the time. Instead, I worked mostly at my own pace and on secondary projects that were more for the future, not a huge concern for right now.
Anyway, I think this made me realize that even though I had a relatively chill job with low expectations, I still feel like shit all the time when I’m working. I’m only 29 and it feels like my career has lasted too long, which I know is a completely ridiculous statement. My life isn’t even bad, I have so much to be thankful for, so why am I just completely down all the time and unable to complete any of the goals and tasks I lay out before myself? The answer is probably that most people feel this way now.
This brings me to some new things in my life that are a bit more fun to talk about. Back in March I joined the Oakland-based post-hardcore band, Drought. The music was a bit different stylistically than what I usually listen to, but the guys are amazing and the experience has been so much fun, and more importantly: very humbling. It made me realize a lot of weaknesses in my playing and start sharpening up and focusing on what’s important there. So then we had two shows in June, which I was super nervous but excited for. I think I was kinda riding on these shows being so sick that they would pull me out of this funk I’ve been in. Both shows were sick and a great time, but after the first one passed I felt lower than ever. I think that’s what has been driving me to some emo style stuff that I used to dig back in college (when I was also depressed). One cool thing that came along with the band stuff is that we’re playing a festival called “The Fest” in Florida, and a band I adore is right next to us on the poster; Sleep in.
My brother and I listened to this band a lot when I was in college, and missed so many attempts to see them up in the Philly and New Jersey areas, which are both only a few hours from where I went to school and grew up. This exciting announcement threw me back into their music, and I rediscovered so many songs that I used to love. This time I particularly latched onto Small Scars and A Lot to Say. Both are obviously on the sadder side, with Small Scars reminiscing about a failed relationship while focusing more on the fact that even though this person wasn’t the one, that they’re “only getting lonelier as days go by.” A lot To Say is more or less about (at least I think) exactly what I’m going through right now:
Get it together, boy, figure it out
You know your head is too heavy to carry all that doubt
Why can’t you just roll with it?
Or better yet, why can’t you take control of it?
At the same time, we’re all just experiencing life through our own minds, our own eyes. No matter how much empathy you gain, it’s hard not to think about yourself first, since that’s all you know. Logically my brain knows that I shouldn’t feel guilty for being sad or feeling aimless, but I know that my life and everything about it could be so much worse than they are. I guess this is the first time since college that I’ve truly felt “lost” and I don’t really know what to do with myself. The newfound freedom of unemployment brings more ways for me to disappoint myself by failing at all of the things I said I would do “if I had more time.” I guess I just never thought I’d feel this low again (more Sleep in. lyrics).
I listen to these songs that I resonate so deeply in the core of my being with, and I wish that I had written them. It’s such a selfish thought to have, but I just want desperately to have it — whatever it is — that would help me make music that resonates with others as much as these bands’ music does with me. Right now I’m sitting here while I was trying to write music and instead I’m writing this post because it’s more familiar and easy to me. I keep telling myself that if only I could play guitar better, then I would be able to write music for real. Ultimately that’s just a crutch, and if I don’t start now then I’m never going to finish a song.
Another song came on today that makes me feel similarly to these songs by Sleep in. Seams and Stitches by With the Punches, a great little emotional track about being caught up in everything going on and then suddenly all this time has passed, then what do we have to show for it? I think this is a message I talk about a lot on this site, probably bring it up like every single post. It doesn’t help that I just passed another birthday and the next one is the big 3 0. Seams and Stitches has some great lyrics relating to the feeling:
How did I lose my direction?
When did this become such an ugly place?
Guess I shouldn’t be surprised
I’m always late for everything
Again, I can’t help but feel like I could write these lyrics right now about my own life, but honestly I think that’s the hallmark of a great song; other people can relate so hard they think the song is about them. Another thing in this song that has stuck with me forever is a line at the end pointing out how much time we spend at traffic lights. It’s a metaphor for wasting our lives away, but with how long my commute is (was?) and how bad traffic is in the bay area, I take this line very literally too. I waste so much time in my car wishing I was doing anything but driving.
With the Punches is still kinda together, although they’ve been on and off hiatus for a long long time. Seems like every year or two they poke their heads up and post about something. In 2022 they released an EP somewhat out of nowhere, and then were pretty inactive again until late 2025 to now, when they’ve actually begun playing a few shows here and there. This band hails from the same general area as Sleep in. and probably had a good bit of influence on their earlier records as well. I have super fond memories of watching old videos of Jesse doing various covers or videos in the studio.
Back to random shit about me, I had this thought today while reading something about the Grand Canyon. I was reading about how John Wesley Powell did two major expeditions down the Colorado River into the Grand Canyon, and this dude only had one arm (lost the right one in the civil war). My first thought was, “shit dude I don’t think I could carry on living if I had something half as bad as losing an arm happen to me.” This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this either! I guess we never truly know what we’d do under bad circumstances until they happen, but I genuinely feel like I’m one bad thing away from falling apart. More on John Powell; He fought for the Union and was against slavery, but he did support the eradication of Native American culture, so that blows.
I genuinely don’t know how my parents started having kids in their early-mid twenties. I can barely support myself, I have no idea how I would support a child. A sign of the times, perhaps? Or maybe my generation is just weak? idk. I once saw someone call my mini-generation the “fucked” generation and listed out a bunch of random bullshit that happened during our childhood. I’ll see if I can find the original meme and post it below.
This is obviously mostly humor and not real reasons we’re generation fucked, but it raises a serious question: Why are so many people my age having trouble with direction or finding a purpose? Part of it is probably social media. Part of it is probably the growing cost of living in America and elsewhere. Another part is probably the insane political divide we’re seeing across so many places (obviously I’m American so that’s closest to home for me, but I know it’s bad in other countries too). Let’s face it; the world is getting darker every day, the rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer. I am lucky to be where I am right now, but it’s not great watching the world slowly get fucked.
Going back to the topic of the Grand Canyon, What else is there even left for us to do on planet Earth anymore? Our ancestors already discovered everything, and did everything there was to do for the first time. It’s not like I’ll ever get to explore space, “The Final Frontier,” because only rich billionaires will get to do that, and probably not any time soon. Every original thought there is to be had has already been had. Thinking about that makes me feel like the world is unbelievably small and that our existence as humans is relatively pointless now. In a way, it’s like we’ve come full circle: Originally we existed just to find food and have babies, now we’re coming back to that reality now. It would be much sweeter if me and my friends could just go fuck around on some land in the middle of nowhere and do our own thing.
I don’t know what my next steps are, but I know I don’t really want to make some billionaire richer, and I would die before I go back to an hour commute each way. Hope this post wasn’t too dark, and if anyone reading this can commiserate, I will absolutely read your comment and reply to it.
Also here is a link to the fest we’re playing with Sleep In.